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Wednesday, October 25, 2006


I was pretty young when I first went to college, but I was old for my age. In some ways, I'm a lot younger and more playful now. Once when I was coming back from a record store in downtown Redlands, the seniors threw water on me from the top of Melrose Hall, the all boys dormitory I was staying in. The stupid act ruined my records. I immediately took my revenge. I went to the bathroom and filled up a trashcan with water and wadded toilet paper, then proceeded to throw the water on the senior that drenched me. All the seniors where in shock that a freshman would do this to them. I was told I would be punished. I was there to study, not goof off. This was college, not high school which I thoroughly hated. Anyhow, the plan was the seniors, mainly jocks, were going to take me on a chariot ride. What's a chariot ride, you wonder? They strip you naked, tie you to a chair, put shaving cream on your privates and a dunce cap on your head. They run you around the campus, then leave you in the center of Grossmont Hall, the all girls dormitory. If the girls think you're cute, they will throw you a robe and take you out for a steak dinner. if not, they leave you there. This is college, my friends. Anyhow, I remember seeing the jocks coming to my room through my back dormitory window. They had the chair, the rope, and the dunce cap. I was scared and furious. I went to my fencing bag and removed my fighter's knife, the one my dad gave me. Just as the jocks were trying to pry my door open with a credit card, I opened the door a crack and rammed the tip of my knife in a sandy faced, surfer jock's chin and told him that I would have no problem slitting his throat if he or anyone else continued with these shenanigans. I totally meant it. He was terrified. They all were. The cops came and arrested me for having the knife. I started to cry and told them all that I wanted to do was study and learn. My mentor Barney came to my rescue. He got me my knife back and put me in a coed's artist dormitory. Needless to say, no one ever bothered me again. Actually, when they found out I was a member of the Coppola family they started to kiss my ass. Oh, the beauty of celebrity worship!

Thank God for my greatest and kindest mentor, Dr. Barney Childs. I miss him and may he rest in peace.

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